My day with breast cancer…

Yesterday was such a nice day….three of my lovely friends stopped by with a basket of goodies!! And one of them brought her new puppy that I am crazy about!!! After they left another lovely friend came over with warm hugs and helped me for hours with a really boring task..
I fell asleep early, but unfortunately, I was up all night.

And now today, I am sad. I feel like the girl who has cancer. The girl who doesn’t want to get out of bed. The girl who people feel sorry for, whose stares at my bald head and young face make them them frown..I try so hard most days to keep my sadness from you, and from myself. But somedays my control is weak and it overflows..

My sweet friend Kendra sent me this note yesterday…
“I know it’s easy for me to say all of this as I’m not in your shoes (or seat, as it is in meditation) and I make no assumptions that I understand or can even begin to comprehend what you’re going through. What I hope I can offer is just a reminder that meditation is always there for you – every time you breathe – to allow you to let go of the what-if’s, let go of the fear and worry, and separate ‘you’ from the stories that your mind loves to create for you. 
My wish is that your every breath – so essential to life – can offer you boundless freedom from the stress you feel every day.”

My wish is to listen.

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6 Responses to My day with breast cancer…

  1. lars192 says:

    Jennifer, I know that being alone can allow your mind to race into thoughts you just don’t want. None of us do. I guess what works is to try to cleanse the mind. How about a happy movie or book. You have some of the relaxation music from the past- have you tried those? The sounds of thunder and rain, or the waves crashing against the dock or sounds of birds in the park. We just hope you can have moments where these thoughts and sounds can become a way of cleansing the mind. Love You Jennifer and so do a whole lot of others who think about you and pray for you everyday. Dad

  2. Sasha says:

    You are allowed to feel sad and let it out. That doesn’t make you week. You don’t have to shield us. We will be here for you through all of it. It’s a lot of work absorb people’s fear/frowns on the street. It’s a lot of work to try to keep your sadness away. Know you are deeply loved and no matter how sad or scared or tired you feel you are not alone. Love you, dear friend.

  3. Kendra says:

    I couldn’t agree more with Sasha.
    You’ve been a warrior in my eyes since the day we met and you’re one of the strongest women I’ve ever known. Strong women have sad days too…without them, no one would know what strength, and happiness, really is.
    We all love you so so much, dear Jennifer.

  4. lu says:

    ditto what everyone else has said. i hear what you are saying, and i want to remind you that your energy should be focused on the care and well-being of YOU…not us! 😉 we can take it if you choose to be painfully honest and transparent about your state of mind on a given day…i know my scariest thoughts and fears are always lessened when i say them out loud and am heard by someone i love. it is comforting and affirming to know you aren’t alone in your thoughts and fears. i can’t know what cancer thoughts and fears look and feel like, but so many of your friends do. i trust they will help you to hold a safe space around whatever you say out loud… and i promise i will continue to show up as best as i can with all the love and support i can send east… i love you, jennifer. my hero. mwah xo

  5. Katie Chery says:

    Such wisdom in what everyone is saying. You are so loved, not to mention lovely. My favorite yoga teacher would tell us, when we were in downward dog (he would keep us there for a long, long time) to “drop the weight of your head. Drop everything” and go on to name things we might drop, like our day, our stories, etc. I remember how light I felt one time when I actually did drop everything. It was so freeing, like I had let go of five hundred pound weights.

    I wish for you that feeling of weightlessness. Sending you love, lots and lots and lots. Xxxooo

  6. Margaret says:

    Gosh, I don’t know Kendra, but she nailed it and I wish she was my friend, too. I know we don’t see each other, Jen, but I think of you often.

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