On the edge..

Over the last few months I’ve had to rely on others to get through my day. If I want to go for a walk, I have to go with someone else, if I want to go to the corner store, I have to wait for Ange to get home. If I need to get a prescription, I have to wait for Ange or someone else to help me. I don’t think people realize that I am kind of trapped in my own apartment! I know that I am getting better, and I am sooo happy about that, but it’s so hard having to rely so heavily on others. I told Ange its totally stupid, but the only thing I can control is keeping our apartment tidy. (I can’t do everything, but I can do enough to make a difference) So I find myself obsessing on the tidiness because it makes me feel a little bit normal!!

Last night Ange got home, and he was in a good mood and so was I…we chatted away on the couch, took a little nap together, then ordered some dinner (thanks to my sister and brother-n-law).
Everything was going great, then all of a sudden I wanted to burst into tears..I was in the other room, so I didn’t allow the tears to flow..we were having such a nice night, and I was about to ruin it with stupid cancer. I have moments where my life floods in front of me…all the things I can’t have, we can’t have because I have cancer hits me and I don’t know what to do.
I’m crying now, so maybe that’s good because im getting it out..

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8 Responses to On the edge..

  1. Janiece says:

    You’re doing what’s right for you…Every breath you take is a blessing…Keep savioring the good times. OXOXOX

  2. lu says:

    sweet friend…you have faced this whole mess with such grace, and strength and determination. anyone who faces their mortality goes through similar experiences…but each is unique to the individual. i think all will attest that it is universe-shifting. facing the unknown, regardless the reason, is terrifying. and watching other’s journeys that are so similar to your own, playing out so closely to you…i can’t iimagine what that must do to your resolve and thought process. in my experience, tears are natures way of cleansing our minds…we have no other means of “washing free” of the terrifying thoughts. i wish you didn’t need them (my god, i wish NONE of this were happening to you), though i am glad to hear you are allowing the tears to come. and please remember, this is YOUR journey, no one else’s. no matter how similar the details, no two people travel the same road…if you spend too much time focusing on the road of someone else, you might miss part of the road YOU are on… so easy for me to say, i know. i just don’t want you to lose sight of your determination and will. right now cancer is consuming your existance, but it hasn’t always been, and it won’t always be… my prayer for you is that this is merely a single chapter in a book of many many chapters…some already written and read, but many many pages to be turned. stick with it…read it all…and hopefully all our prayers will be answered and the next chapter will be unbelievably amazing! i love you so much, and hope i am not minimizing your sadness, or being too much of a cheerleader. mainly want you to know that i’m here, reading your words, and hearing what you say. and if there is any part that i can relate to…i’m on it! sending a giant, gently hug to you and angelo. call me if you have a chance to talk…

  3. Nancy says:

    Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it. ~Albert Smith

    You have been through so much, and finally turning a corner and feeling better. Letting it all out is so healthy and cathartic, all part of the healing process. You are simply phenomenal. xoxoxo

  4. You are so much braver than I would ever be. I am proud of you. I understand how things can flood forward and overwhelm you. I know the little girl inside of you would never let anything stand in her way. So as an adult, I know that little girl is 100 times stronger. You inspire me, and when I grow up (if ever), I hope to be like you! I love you Cuz!

  5. Patrick says:

    That was so beautifully written. Just saying hi and wishing I could visit you. Am happy to hear you are getting better and appreciate you sharing your journey. Let the tears flow I say! I love you.

  6. Sasha says:

    You are bearing so much and I know you’re tired of crying but how can what’s happening not just flood you in moments… Especially those moments when you may be feeling better, connected, enjoying an evening with Ange, for example. I think it’s important to let it out and let yourself feel whatever you feel, I wish it weren’t so late or I’d call you… I loved your 7am text today 🙂

  7. lars192 says:

    Jen and Ange-love seeing the numbers climb for the photo contest. This has already touched a whole lot of people-Family, Friends and some who probably don’t know you guys. Really proud of you both and hope this day goes well with treatment etc.. Looking to the end of this month for R&R with everyone. Dad

  8. I do not know you. My cousin posted your husband’s website on my page because I am a photographer. I came to your blog because I am a writer.

    I just want you to know I cried too. I want you to get better. I prayed for you, and I will keep praying for you. I also cried tears of thanks for my health. So many of us take it for granted, Thank you for making me remember what is really important. Thank you.

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