Originally Posted 3.16.2011 “last night”

i had a dream about someone who used to be a good friend of mine, but since all of this cancer stuff has happened she has disappeared. in the dream she was talking to other friends and ignoring me..and when one of my friends asked her if she had anything to say to me, she said “fuck her” so disturbing..

in the aftermath of that dream i am thinking about friends and how they react to me. this is a topic that i have discussed before, so forgive me for going on about it..but its so painful. i know people who have gone months without talking to me, weeks without talking to me..and it makes me wonder..do you really care about me? i understand that everyone has things going on in their life right now, and there is nothing i want more than to listen to a friend in need..unfortunately, at this moment, i can’t be the one that reaches out as much as i would like. and I guess if they are a friend, then they read this blog and would understand.

i don’t have the energy to discuss why i need people to be there anymore, i just need them to be there..and i guess the dream just makes me realize that its time to let go..i have spoken to many people who have gone through similar experiences and who had to walk away from people they have known for years because they just didn’t get it.
i think im getting there..

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by Lu Semenzin at Wednesday, March 16, 2011, 4:55 PM

you have so much to worry about…i wish this wasn’t one of them. i love you

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by Sasha Rau at Wednesday, March 16, 2011, 8:52 PM

I totally hear you…
Maybe the friend in the dream was you saying “fuck her” and “I’ve had enough” to her.
It’s so disappointing and painful.
I love you and I’m here…

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by Jennifer Merendino at Wednesday, March 16, 2011, 10:28 PM

Sash.. That’s a good way to look at it.. It’s interesting because in the dream at first I couldn’t see her face…and when she turned around her face looked crazy.. Makeup smeared all over..mascara running down her face…totally weird..

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by Camille & Larry Wise at Wednesday, March 16, 2011, 11:18 PM

You know Jen I guess these friends just don’t get it. They lead a life of being blind to the needs of their friends. There is no excuse for not contacting you who is so in need of that friendship and understanding of what is going on. I know I have made excuses all of my life for people like that but there is only one thing I can say-They are just selfish people. Love You Jen.

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by Jennifer Merendino at Wednesday, March 16, 2011, 11:37 PM

My Pa can light my room at night..by just his being near…love you dad…

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by Sasha Rau at Thursday, March 17, 2011, 8:17 AM

Now I hate to sound like such the psychoanalyst but in the dream when your friend turned and “looked crazy… makeup smeared all over… mascara running down her face,” could that also be a representation of how a small part of you sometimes feels, or how the cancer feels, or your fear of how you may be perceived if you speak your truth to her or anyone? I know how hard it is to share our truths, especially the painful/ angry/ scared/ disappointed parts, and I think for all of us there can be an element of fear that the other will perceive us as somehow not entitled or not valid or… crazy?
Or is that too much of a leap?
Some theorists believe that we are every person in our dreams. Each a different part of ourselves/ our feelings, however unconcsious… xo

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by Jennifer Merendino at Thursday, March 17, 2011, 9:45 AM

Sash….that would make total sense huh? i don’t think its too much..i always feel like our dreams mean something..i just never know what that is..

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by Tina Esposito at Friday, March 18, 2011, 9:59 AM

Hey Jen. I so understand what you are saying. And yes, it is true. Sometimes you just need to let go. I have had that happen to me and I know people that have used the same words…sometimes they just dont get it. But, thats ok too. Remember you come first. The people you surround yourself with need to be strong and positive and fighting for what you are fighting for. I love you and pray for your strength and happiness and healing. I hope your heart feels the comfort of all the hugs that are being sent your way xxooxx

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