Originally Posted 7.26.2010 “as if it was yesterday”

my mind and body remembered what it was like 2 years ago..
yesterday, i was moody, sad, and nervous..all i could think of was that Wednesday i had to start taking those pills again, that made me feel nauseous..trying very hard to be in the moment of feeling less nauseous, but its so hard to convince your entire being that its going to be ok..

i remember this so well from before..although my treatment then had a million more side effects, this one still has its similarities..i was ill for 9 days after treatment..and had about 3 days where i began to feel better and then wham..right back into it..

i have a doctors appointment tomorrow where we will try and figure out how to make the nausea go away, so i am hopeful..

also on the plate to discuss is a port..i have been having some problems with my veins, and asked for some tips to keeping them plump..they quickly said the next step would be a port..(they had to ask the chemo nurses their opinion first, and they suggested a port) this port issue has thrown me into another tizzy..i will have this for ever!!!!! and i feel that i need give my veins another fighting chance to fatten up..i need to chug water the day before and day before and day of (which i have nnever done)..
i called them this morning and said no to the port for now..



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by Sasha Rau at Tuesday, July 27, 2010, 6:45 PM

I’ve been thinking about you so much today and wondering how your appointment went. I think the mind/body remembers so much and it makes absolute sense that you are reliving this current experience as if it were 2 years ago. There are so many similarities how could you not? Additionally, today’s experience has yet another layer which I imagine is symbolized by the port and the idea of permanence…
Sending so much love. Anything I can do, I will…

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by Jessica Moser at Wednesday, July 28, 2010, 8:10 AM

I totally get it, why it would throw you back to your last chemo experience. And you’ve already touched on something so wise in this, which is to try (as best anyone can) to live in the moment. I get so much that it’s hard though.

As for plumping your veins, it was a huge problem for me. Drink a ton of water, wear sweaters with long sleeves (cold constricts your veins, as I’m sure you already know). One fairly reliable trick for me was to run my arm under warm to hot water and then have them stick me right after. If you’ve already tried all these, I apologize for telling you stuff you already know.

I hope it went ok yesterday… I’m thinking of you and sending a ton of love.

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by Danielle McNair at Wednesday, July 28, 2010, 5:07 PM

Jen you are a f-ing trooper and an inspiration!!! You are always in my thoughts and just want you to know you make me a better person. Smooched D

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by Jennifer Merendino at Thursday, July 29, 2010, 9:43 AM

can i just say i love all 3 of you:)
you make very happy..

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