Originally Posted 2.11.2010 “i”

i have had a heaviness to my heart recently, and i don’t know exactly where its coming from, but i know that its painful. looking back seems terrifying. there are pieces that still don’t fit,and i have absolutely no idea how to deal with that without falling apart.
the thought makes me cry as i am now..how..how did this happen? how..how do i do this? there are so many people that love me and that i love so very much..i know that i am blessed..yet still.. my heart..my heart..is heavy..its so difficult dealing with your own mortality. this day is so difficult because today is the day now two years ago, when someone told me that i had a cancer. cancer which brutally took my grandpa, my grandma, and my uncle paul. they suffered, they fought, and they left us. so when those words were uttered to me, i wanted to fall apart. 5 months earlier i married the man i knew i was meant to be with forever and i have cancer. to be that person, is horrifying. you have no idea what “cancer” will mean to you. you only know what it has meant to those you lost. the days that you have to suffer in between the knowing are devastating. you are waiting for someone to tell you your fate as you live..
i have listened, i have talked, and i have held in. i didn’t know i was doing it..but i know that i will do everything i can to put my pieces back together. for me..for ange..for my family.. for my friends..

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by Michelle Tolpa at Thursday, February 11, 2010, 6:20 PM

Love you Jen. I am guilty of not visiting I’m here in a while. Sorry if you every feel alone. You not, we are all still here and love you to pieces. We may not always do of say the right thing, but we’re here. LOVE U

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by Dianna Kamp at Thursday, February 11, 2010, 6:27 PM

Sometimes I feel like it was yesterday and other times it feels like it was 100 years ago when we all sat in your 78th Street living room drank wine and tried to get u through one of the worst days of your life. You have handled all of this (it’s a big THIS) with such grace – I only hope we have been able to help you…You have taught us so much about everything…so happy you are in my life – so proud of everything you have accomplished over the past 2 years…keep on doing what you are doing and let us know how we can be the friends you need…love you xoxoxo

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by Anne Wise at Thursday, February 11, 2010, 8:54 PM

Hi Jen. If you feel like you need sunglasses tonight while you are sleeping, it’s just me shining bright, white lights over you. You are so courageous Jen, and an inspiration to all of us. We love you.

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by Lu Semenzin at Thursday, February 11, 2010, 9:39 PM

I love you jennifer. i will never forget the day you called me to tell me about your diagnosis. my first friend with cancer. i cried for hours. and i rallied around you and ange as best i knew how. and slowly, over the months, i have faded into obscurity. i’m sorry. my life got in the way, and i regret that. and i’m sorry. to both you and angelo. you never left my heart, or my head. i love you so much, my dear friend. i am eternally grateful for your will to fight and survive. and the beauty and grace with which you waged your battle. you are my hero. and i love you. thanks for forgiving me, over the years, for not showing up as a friend should.

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by Nancy Hafter at Friday, February 12, 2010, 8:44 AM

Two years. You are here, stronger than ever, stronger than you ever thought you could ever be. You have done so much, going back work, Empire Dragon, school, Greening Your Intentions, just to name a few. You have survived. You have accomplished more in 2 years than some people accomplish in their entire lives. Stay as strong as you have been the past 2 years. The best is yet to come. xo

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by Jennifer Merendino at Friday, February 12, 2010, 8:58 AM

thank you sweet friends for you notes..none of you have done anything wrong..you are there for me always and i know that..this is just about me..still trying to figure things out..

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by MaryAnn Merendino at Friday, February 12, 2010, 8:05 PM

Hey Dear Heart,

Love, hugs and kisses always.


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by Rose Merendino at Saturday, February 13, 2010, 3:32 PM

Jen, thinking of you. I hope you sort through this and know that there are lots of people around who love you lots.


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by Katie Downie at Saturday, February 13, 2010, 5:36 PM

wow…haven’t been here in forever…Jenny I’m sorry your heart is heavy, I think about you. I remember the card I sent you when I found out-the fairy with the combat boots on-still how I see you, a balance of sweet and yet tough as nails. I know you’ll get through and never forget, I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart…xoxo

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by Sasha Rau at Tuesday, June 29, 2010, 4:07 AM

Adore you. And totally relate…

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